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Guess who’s not pregnant??? THIS girl.

She’s also not getting married, or making any huge life altering plans any time in the near future.

She does however, have half a swollen face (wisdom teeth argh!) and a missing camera. *giggle* hello dark blurry webcam photos 😀

I wasn’t entirely sure which direction I was going to take this blog post before I had a super odd and unintentional conversation with the boyfriend this weekend. Sure, I intended on joking about the whole.. every.freaking.person.out.there is getting pregnant :p but, past that I wasn’t really sure. The whole conversation started simply enough- discussing an issue that we’ve been having with the kidlet- a much needed but not so super serious conversation. Somehow this snowballed into the worlds biggest miscommunication episode (ok. I’m exaggerating. Certainly not the biggest). I mentioned stability- or he did- it’s unclear at this point. How kidlet has had a lot of craziness happen this year, and the past few years.. and majorly needed stability right now. Somehow, the boyfriend took this as me saying we needed to get married. Stability does not equal giant huge scary life changing events. Stability means safe and normal and regular ((to me anyway, apparently it means other things to other people :p )). Kiddo is certainly not the only one craving stability at this point. My life, my health, my normalcy was flipped upside down, stood on its head for too long, and spun around till it wretched everywhere. Every day is one day closer to returning to normalcy.. I certainly don’t want any more huge changes this year or any time soon. Marriage included.

We’re attending a wedding at the end of the month- it seems to be the theme with most of our peers (and family members. My little baby brother just got engaged too o_o). I think I’m missing a girl gene or something. It’s entirely possible that I’m just jaded.. I have been married once before- but, I didn’t want to get married that time either. The mad dash to the alter that I see amongst all my old friends is entirely unappealing. Will I get married again one day, Sure.. maybe.. why not. Right now? Right now my focus is on getting healthy. On regaining my footing in the world. I want to go for a jog more than anything… That’s my focus. That’s not going to change any time soon either. My hospital experience left me with some strong lessons. Yes. Love with everything you have, that’s certainly important.. crucially important. Cherish every moment with those who you care about.. but you know what  I learned is also important? Me. Putting myself on that list of priorities I drag around with me everyday. Making sure I include myself in my  lists of things to do. I had put so much time and energy focusing on the wrong things in my life.. being that sick, almost dying, certainly is a not so gentle way to get smacked into reality. I’m not invinsible. I need to stop and take care of myself.

((in case some of you are thinking I’m some kind of big meanie to the boyfriend. he did not ask me to marry him. he thought I was insinuating that we needed to wed. because he’s a crazy person :p ))

The good news.. is that I am getting better. A lot better. My current condition today, compared to even just a month ago is light years better. I walked 2 miles the other day, unassisted. This was huge. Painful, and slightly inadvisable, but huge. It’s difficult to tell how much longer  I will be physically .. impaired?.. because of the clotting – but  I do know that it had shrunk substantially- I had an ultrasound on my legs about a month ago and it had moved away from my knees and lower thighs, and was mostly in the groin/upper thigh area now (abdominal clotting is most likely going to take a lot longer to resolve, however I’d need a full body scan as ultrasounds are pretty useless in that area for clots  and there’s just no need. Unless I develop a new clot that decides to attack a different organ, or the same kidney again- we can just let my body do its thing). I do still need to rest a lot. A lot of my day is spent on the couch, or the bed. I’m incredibly grateful for the laptop the staff here chipped in to get me. Without it i’d still not be working at all. Errands and laundry still absolutely wipe me out, especially my stairs.Those evil evil stairs. In physical therapy stairs were the main focus- as I live on the 2nd floor and I wasn’t being sent home if I couldn’t manage them. They still hurt. The first couple steps, I’m awesome…… The last 3? It takes everything in me to yell at my thighs to keep moving. I’ve threatened my legs with physical harm, but they don’t seem to be listening. Even that though, is such an improvement. It wasn’t that long ago, when I worked with the physical therapist or the boyfriend at the hospital with a belt tied around my waist and them holding on tight so I didn’t face plant in the stairwell. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One day closer.

Normalcy. Stability. These are the things I crave. These are my focus. These are my goals. I no longer have big lofty ideas and daydreams..I no longer imagine impossible things. Right now, every step, is toward a day I wake up and everything is back in its place. That’s all I want. This health stuff is life long, but that doesn’t mean things can’t return to normal.