Vulnerable
Some time ago I had felt a large mass on my left breast. It was frighteningly large, and my OB-GYNE, after instructing me to get a breast ultrasound, asked me to have it surgically removed and examined immediately. I had my procedure done last Monday morning, and I was tense about it. Specifically, about being sedated, because I had never been. But the procedure went smoothly, and my aneasthesiologist talked me through every step he was doing. I remember turning my head, closing my eyes, and then next thing I knew I was in the recovery room, lol. It was very disconcerting, because I have no recollection of what happened or of even dreaming. Weird.
Anyway, this week has been about recuperating (ugh, no heavy lifting or bending over) and coming to terms with what’s happened to me. It’s not just vanity that makes me say I feel very vulnerable and changed. I was changing the dressings over my wounds and was pretty shocked at the length of one of them (I had two masses removed). My husband, wonderful man he is, just smiled and said I was still beautiful. I’ll never forget the image of him looking at me, bandages and all, and that loving look in his eyes. Even more importantly, I felt beautiful in the midst of it.
I am supposed to get the results of my biopsy next week, and this week has also been about waiting. It’s also been looking for a large amount of distractions while I rest (I couldn’t sit up for almost three days). However, I decided to just “sit” with my thoughts and fears and then opened Photoshop. As it’s done so many times before, scrapping provided an outlet for my emotions and words. Kristin’s Strength kit was also perfect for what I needed to remind myself and yet, also allow myself to feel what I felt in the moment.
To say scrapping helped me a lot is an understatement! 🙂 Also, reading all through all my messages of hope and happy thoughts moved me from my space of sadness and fear. I hope to have happy news to share next week, and in the meantime, I hope you have a Happy Friday! 🙂
Diane Wheeler said...
on September 14th, 2012 at 2:31 am
I really hope you will be ok & sending you massive hugs from me in the UK.Good luck & will be thinking of you 🙂 x
Juli said...
on September 14th, 2012 at 6:41 am
Lex – this is a wonderful post and a beautiful layout. You are beautiful inside and out! Sending you prayers for good news on your results.
Teresa said...
on September 14th, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Praying for all good reports next week…holding out a virtual hand and hug for you. Be strong and continue to take those words and actions from your hubby to heart. You’ll make it through together (no matter what you have to face!). ((HUGS))
Yari said...
on September 15th, 2012 at 10:32 am
Oh Lexi, keep hanging in there as you have been and being strong. You are amazing. This post was amazing and touching and I sure hope that the results of the biopsy are good. But IF it doesn’t, hang on to God with all your might and strength as He carries you through this whole ordeal. {{Hugs}}